Saturday, 2 March 2013

Self harm

Yesterday was Self injury awareness day -

A campaign about self harming, in the hope those who do will be more able to talk about their problems and for family and friends of people with problems to be more aware and help them understand possible reasons why.

In my early 20's this was something I did, though I am sure there are professionals who would say that my food issues are a way of self harming, see my post before this one.  The methods I used were cutting and scolding.  I always cut on my upper thighs and arms, places I could cover up and scolding was on my stomach and legs.  At the time I was feeling pretty numb, so I really didn't feel much pain from what I was doing to myself.  I haven't ever really thought about the reasons why I did it and why I stopped.  I think I was looking for an outlet, to feel something or as punishment for being in such a way.

Do worry I haven't had thoughts about doing such things ever again since.  I just wanted to say it.

Friday, 1 March 2013

My relationship with food and struggle with weight

Ever since the age of around 9 years old, I've had a totally unhealthy relationship with food.  It had started a couple of years before, but as with things like this, well for me at least, it takes time for things to properly go wrong.  My parents had taken me and my sister to the local Bonfire night fireworks display, for anyone outside the UK, this is the annual 5th November celebrations of the Burning of effigies of Guy Fawkes, one of the conspirators who planned to blow up the House of Lords in 1605.  Anyway... I digress.... So as usual I had eaten much of the burgers and candy floss and other sweet goodness on offer, and safe to say I'd eaten way too much of it.  When home I was right royally sick.  You are probably thinking so what? Well yes you are right, however, I was always a pretty sensitive kid and on this occasion I had made the mistake of using the bath tub instead of the toilet.  Safe to say mum was very pissed off and had, what i remember to be, very strong words.  Not really what you need to hear when in such a delicate state.  Anyway, being such a sensitive type and already predisposed to worry, that was the last time I HAVE EVER vomited in my entire life since.

This was the start of my phobia of vomiting.  For many, many years it was difficult for me to even hear/smell/or even think about it.  Luckily that has eased of the past few years.

It was this phobia which caused me to start controlling my food intake. For the first few years everyone around me thought I was anorexic, due to being thin and because I had started throwing away much of my food.  It was and has never been something I have done because I wanted to be thin, far from it.  I did cause a great deal of worry for my mum, though many times this came out as anger towards what I was doing, which didn't help me at all.  Thing is, I don't remember ever telling anyone why I was doing it, well honestly I didn't and still don't always tell people how I am feeling or what is really going on.  You may be thinking/saying writing this blog, you have improved?  Well a bit in that respect, but I don't always say because I still find it difficult opening up.  I guess it's partly I'm fed up of living with whatever it is and want to talk about anything else, I don't like burdening others with my ongoing stuff and I do sometimes feel silly about it. Oh and there's the whole trusting people too.  Anyway... going off track a little.  One saving thing was it never stopped me eating sweet stuff like chocolate, cake, biscuits, etc...  So basically what I was doing when it came to eating was I was careful with the quantity of food I would, well still do, eat.  You could say it's become obsessional.  No.. It is very obsessional.

The only period of time I ever relaxed about how much food I ate was for about a year or two between 17 and 19.  I had already started to stay out of the house as much as I could because of all the parental tension and arguing at home.  I was only getting an average of 3 hours sleep a night, though sometimes it was no sleep or 12 hours sleep.  Anyway.. through having a fucked up sleep pattern, I began to become wired and frankly ravenous through the whole day.  I was eating every hour to hour and a half.  In any typical day I was eating two or three chip butties, at least two KFCs, a number of rounds of sarnies/rolls, like tuna and cucumber, lots of lovely cake, a favourite being huge slabs of sponge cake from a local bakery, tea cakes/hot cross buns, biscuits, chocolate and raisins. In my car I had a carrier bag full of supplies and one of the compartments in the console was my Galaxy Ripple dispenser.  The crazy thing was I wasn't putting on weight, though I did eventually get an ulcer from this incredibly poor diet, which as it happens caused me to go really backwards in health, where I lost so much weight I ended up being under 7 stone.  This happened a couple years after the ravenous eating, though the diet certainly didn't improve, though this was due to depression because of the first time my agoraphobia stopped me from being able to leave the house.  This was the first time that my weight actually scared me.  I looked like you see in pictures of concentration camps.  That level of thin.  I did eventually put some weight back on, but never enough to be a properly healthy weight.

As per usual I just carried on, ignoring my problems and never confronting and trying to deal with them.  Hence why I am now finding it so much harder to deal with now.  Last year I had finally, well very almost was the minimum weight healthy weight I should be for my height, which is 10 - 11 stone.  I was starting to feel good about me, properly good, for the first time.  Though I must stress that I still haven't dealt with the food issue I have.  All my other issues and past stresses and not being able to cope with current ones started to affect all the work I had put into putting on weight, which had been nearly 1 and a half stone in twelve months.  So since the end of last summer my weight has declined again.  I have lost all the weight I put on.  It has made me feel really down and has affected my trying to get over the agoraphobia.  Hence my lack of activity on the Internet.  It's all one interconnected mess again.  Though the difference this time is I do have knowledge of things that worked in putting weight on.  I now just need to cope with stress and relax myself enough to ease the IBS, which has fucked up my eating and avoid foods that aggravate me.  So I start from the beginning AGAIN.