Saturday, 9 July 2016

Back to low

From the end of October last year I have been at a real low point and from about March onward I've felt the worst since my particularly dark days when I was agoraphobic.  I have the same sense of utter loneliness and unhappiness.  I tried for a while to tell myself this was temporary and was relocation blues.  Well it's not.  I had 6 counselling sessions recently at uni, because I fell behind in trying to get 4 of my assignments completed, which I am still trying to do and only have 5 weeks.  During the sessions I realised my unhappiness is a long term issue, something I just didn't have the capacity to cope with during my heightened panic attacks years.  What I did was just put up metaphorical wall to protect myself and which I never took down.

When I look back throughout all my difficult periods with my mental health I have never had anyone who I could rely on or trust enough to feel comfortable with to express how I was really feeling.  I've had quite good friends, but never best friends.  Friends who are there for me no matter what.  You may ask, what about your family?  Well they have always been there to help me financially and I will always be eternally grateful for that, but when it came/comes to my emotions and mental health it's the opposite.  When agoraphobia prevented me from leaving my home for just over a year when I was 18/19 years, my family had no idea.  They seriously thought I was just being a typical teenager.

So since then I put up the barrier to prevent myself from being hurt further.  Problem is I kept all the shit I felt inside and it's been trapped there waiting ever since.  Chipping away at my self confidence.

Since moving to Newcastle I have been trying to make new connections and I have failed.  The barrier I put up to shield myself is getting in the way.  Being guarded has become my default and I think how I come across is wary and and not open.  I also have this long standing feeling that I can't be worthy to have such close friendships/relationships given I have yet to experience them.

This Wednesday I went on a date.  Among the best 2 and a half hours I have ever had.  The most relaxed too, considering a first date.  We share the same interests and she is funny, super smart and way out of my league.  You may be thinking, but what's the problem.... Well me.  After totally letting my barrier down for the date, it went back up again to my now fucking stupid default setting.  I was being cautious and didn't want to scare her off by being over the top keen (Kinda fallen for her) and waited a day and a half to ask for a second date.  That was a bloody huge mistake.  Seems to be over before it began.

I am such a fucking loser.

In some respects I have moved forward.  However, me the person has been a passenger.  I've been waiting for the stop where I find happiness and closeness and feel safe to be myself and not the desperate and willing to please people so they like me dumb fuck.